This ride had more planning than D-Day; I have been talking, mapping, planning and dreaming about this for more than six months. This is completely contrary to my normal riding approach where I start the ride having no idea where I will end up and only a vague idea of when I will return. This trip not only had maps but reservation for camping every night. As a result the adventure was not to be found in the mystery of the ride but in the mystery of the personalities on the ride.
As the default ride leader it was assumed by everyone that I would make the decisions and on the bike that was fine but when we stopped I was out of my element. My nature is to take things as they come more than direct the outcome and in conflict I am not a “Force of Will” kind of guy. In other words I would make a lousy General.
Our first night camping was only the second time I would setup a tent in my adult life. Given the vast camping experience that Phil had I deferred to him but because that was not clearly communicated it was a surprise to him and how he reacted to that surprise was a surprise to me. Not that Phil is a bad guy; I love him and consider him a friend. Phil is a “Force of Will” kind of leader and after a very long and hot day in the saddle (over 550 miles much in excess of 100 degrees) He was shocked when I didn’t continue to lead when we arrived at the camp. In all the months of planning I never had the division of leadership discussion. So Phil who leads as part of his life, work and ministry was expecting this ride to be a vacation for leadership responsibilities was surprised to be pushed into that role. He took to it but was less than gracious in the transition. He later referred to the event by saying “In the absence of leadership the A-Hole will appear.”
For some time I was thinking that at my age I should move into management at work instead of continuing as a SME (Subject Matter Expert) and Developer. A benefit of this trip was to place that consideration under the microscope of a field trial. I thing I would remain an SME for now and the immediate future.
Scott seems to have a gift for contentment, at least form my prospective he never got caught up in the friction that existed between the three of us. I wish I could learn that contentment but with all the unspoken expectations I had around this trip I set myself up to fail in the area of contentment.
Ray joined the ride at Phil’s invitation so he and I didn’t meet until the morning of day one. He and Phil have had a 30 year history that among other things has seen Ray cycle between being a committed Christian to disappointment and bitterness towards the Church to agnosticism at that point he and Phil will have long and difficult talks to convince him to return to being a committed Christian. At the time of the ride Ray was deep in an agnostic cycle and whiles his stated reason to join the ride was for the ride it seemed to me that his unstated reason was to get time alone with Phil. This caused friction between Ray and Phil in particular and all of us in general. It also seemed to me that Ray is comfortable being a little needy and the point of focus for the group which I would guess contributes to his dissatisfaction with the Church for not meeting his needs. I liked Ray and his sense of humor (The man is a pun machine and is always good for a laugh) but I am not sure I would want to go on another multiple day ride with him.
I started out very angry with Ray and Phil for inviting him but have come to accept the fact that we all brought baggage on the trip (not just the kind you attach to the bike with bungee cords. Ray is a great guy who may never get to know very well.
A large part of my life is spent with men at 12 step meetings who are wounded and want it to be about them but the demands of recovery is you give that attitude up or you don’t recover. I don’t have 30 year relationships with men who don’t change in that time. In recovery if you can’t or won’t change you tend to not stick around the meetings for very long. So I don’t understand Ray and Phil’s relationship. For my part I was also going on vacation from being a 12 step sponsor so encountering a man who reminded me so much of the men who walk into the meetings was not what I was hoping for in a vacation.
So the adventure was not the surprise around the corner it was the surprise around the camp fire. It took me some time to recognize the value in this different type of adventure where the Father called me to walk closer to him in the area of how I see myself and others and to learn how I lack grace for others and myself at times.
Thank You Father for surprises in surprising ways
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5 comments:
Wow. John, learn to speak your mind. :0)
It is clear that God teaches all of us surprising lessons in surprising ways. I am glad you went and I look forward your next Get the Bunny trip which will have its own set of lessons from our Lord.
Pretty much on the nail...
Expectations are a bitch.
EXPECTATIONS
"Blessed is the man who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed' was the ninth beatitude." Alexander Pope
"Whatever we expect with confidence becomes our own self-fulfilling prophecy." Brian Tracy
"People see you as an object, not as a person, and they project a set of expectations onto you. People who don't have it think beauty is a blessing, but actually it sets you apart." Candace Bergen
The Marine A-hole sgt. came roaring out of me on this trip. As I've considered it--I realize I did enjoy the time more than I initially realized. But--I came with expectations--and that made all the difference.
Last year I was directed by the Father to start pursuing a motorcycle club. I didn't understand why--I've always personally enjoyed riding with a buddy or two--but not a crowd. I'm also not much of a joiner--so hooking up with a crew didn't seem like me. In my role with the SFJ I am a prospect--lowest man on the totem pole for a minimum of 12 months. I am never called upon for opinion or leadership. That part has been very, very good for me. Humility, service and fidelity to a missional group is all that is required.
Now I'm coming to sense a more clear thought pattern around God's intent in the word last year about riding groups and the ongoing revoluton of my character. Who knew?
I feel responsible for the way the trip went awry because of my chosen response to your leadership style & Ray. I apologize to all three of you for the poor character that is in me & how it came out. It is under review by the King.
The Leadership A-Hole
Wow! Sounds like it was "the best of times, it was the worst of times" to coin a phrase.
You guys didn't know your journey would last longer than the trip itself! Far longer!
So you’re sayin’ you are all doing this again next year. Awesome!
Take four guys with different backgrounds, different expectations and maybe even different world views, who don’t know each other and chain them together for three weeks in the hot sun, wind, weather and hassles of two-wheeled travel; make them sleep on the ground for most of the time, make them talk about religion, politics and issues close to the heart AND… they will either kill each other or become great friends. Sounds like a great reality TV series.
You were gone for 10 days. So, you guys only had half of the time necessary to get to the point of either killing each other or becoming good friends. Sorry, but you are going to have to go back out. ;-)
Heck, I take three friends with me for a weekend in a luxury resort and we almost come to blows at one point or another. So I am impressed y’all held it together (or maybe you just left that part out).
John, in your decision to reconsider the management role at work, I would encourage you to ponder one thing. Most leaders are *not* born great leaders. Instead, they are taught and cultivated to bring out the leadership within them. You were created in the image of the One whom has cornered the market on leadership. You have those traits. I find that most great leaders started leading out of their core competencies. By leading out of and from your domain of knowledge and influence (SME) and honing your leadership there, you will gain skills, experience and wisdom that can then be applied to leading in just about any situation. Just a thought.
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